Voting Computers and a Paper Shredder
by Darren Ashby

Recently I have found myself glued to the news channels. These are not the channels I normally watch because some boring guy is usually talking about some boring subject. Now, instead, they are all abuzz about who will be the next president. I sit in awe as our citizenęs capability to punch a hole in paper with a blunt object is questioned. So I immediately wonder if there is a better way to get through this process. I stumbled across this idea and it got me a thinkinę!

I quote from CNN[i]:

Under New Mexico law, if the candidates end up tied, the winner could be determined by having the two men sit for a hand of poker—with the state going to the winner. New Mexico statute requires that in case of a tie,"the determination as to which of the candidates shall be declared to have been nominated or elected shall be decided by lot." In practice, the usual method for this rare event has been to play one hand of five-card poker. This was last done in December 1999, in a local judge's race. Republican Jim Blanq and Democrat Lena Milligan played one hand of poker in a courthouse with dozens of people watching, and Blanq won.

I wonder if we wouldn't have a better leader by just having all the candidates give their campaign money to the nation to pay off the debt. Then make them play a game of poker. You certainly need poker skills when you deal with other countries.

"I'll see your ten nukes and raise you five aircraft carriers." (sleezy grin, and a tip of the hat)

Of course we could use touch screen computers instead of ballots, but donęt you think running a complex processing machine is a bit tougher that punching a hole in a piece of paper? How many pop-up windows would you have, saying:

Are you really, really sure this is your intent?
Yes or no

And we certainly wouldnęt want the inventor of the Internet running for office. With that kind of background he could hack the whole system. Were would voter confidence be then?

Maybe we could go back to the days of grade school, and put our heads on the desk and raise our hands when the name we liked was called. No, wonęt work, recounts would be a pain!

I think the only solution is to stop whining and belly aching and get on with life, if we donęt we may be dealing with similar questions in our future, like these (also from an Internet source, but not CNN[ii]):

• We need to contact the state lottery commission. To my horror while watching the lotto results, I realized that I had picked the wrong numbers and that the lotteryęs outcome was not to my advantage. Thus I am demanding a Replay of the last lotto. 8 others and I are exploring a possible lawsuit because the numbers were confusing! There are too many numbers to pick and they are too close together. There needs to be a local replay of the lotto!
• We are contacting the Local College Board for a recall of last weekęs midterms. To my horror I chose the wrong answers to the test! We found that the multiple-choice questions were too confusing thus leading various students to receive unacceptable grades. WE demand a local retest of this exam until we get satisfactory results.
• I demand that my ticket be revoked! To my horror, I realized that I was looking at my tachometer instead of the speedometer! Itęs the manufactureręs fault since they placed the gauges too close together! I thought I was only going 5 mph! I am contacting the DMV to revoke my ticket and will be filing a lawsuit against all auto manufacturers who are responsible for putting the gauges too close together!

Are the Floridians really that short on marbles? NO! Maybe a few suffered a moment of idiocy, but that was all. What is a moment of idiocy you ask? Well just a few days ago, got a new paper shredder in my office. What do you think I shredded first? Thatęs right, I shredded the shredder instructions. I couldnęt stop myself. I was just lucky my moment of idiocy didnęt fall on Election Day. We all suffer from these moments. But trust me you donęt want to count those votes because you are not in your right mind when you are suffering from a moment of idiocy. You are NOT making the right choices.

We donęt need any new gadgets like mind reading computers to elect a president. Just a little common sense will do.

Sigh, I really miss those instructions.

Notes:
[i] If you want to read the whole story on poker elections, click http://www.cnn.com/2000/ALLPOLITICS/stories/11/14/votes.elsewhere/

[ii] If you haven't received this email yet, you will, Ięm sure you will.

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